Celebrity Charity: “50 Cent Wants To Feed 1 Billion African Children”

That’s right, 50 Cent wants to feed 1 billion children.

And to those of you thinking “But iCon, there aren’t nearly that many children in Africa?” I say “Shush, don’t try and apply logic to celebrity philanthropy.”

Now, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to do a good thing and for that, I applaud Fif.

You should have seen him inn the launch video for this campaign. He was in Australia, with a “diamond encrusted platinum chain bearing the SK logo” (not my words) and he spoke of how he as a child suffered and starved and so he was inspired by his trip to ‘Africa’ last year to help children. Such a nice guy.

And then he said:

“My new project is called SK, Street King and y’all know the plan. I just told y’all the plan. I want to feed a billion kids. It’s your boy 50 Cent.”

Indeed, it is our boy 50 Cent, but do we really know the plan? It took some digging, but I found it. It’s so elaborate.

Ok, maybe ‘elaborate’ wasn’t the word. But it’s an awesome plan.

Now, for those asking, WFP rations cost less than – ironically – 50 cents. Heck, when I was volunteering for the One campaign, $0.19 would feed a child for a day. That’s 2 meals and a take home ration.

So, each shot you buy for $2.49 will provide one meal to one child. That’s so kind.

“But iCon, where do the 2 extra dollars go?”

Gosh, you are so critical! Of course there’s production of the product and all this. Although on an unrelated note, you’d be surprised how low that is for drinks. A can of a popular soda company I can’t name for legal reasons cost less than 20 cents including distribution costs. The tax the company paid bumped it up to about 22 cents, but still, that’s over 200% profit on a $.75 can.

And although an SK shot is about half the size of a can, and not metal, I’m sure it somehow cost the same or more.

“But iCon they aren’t paying taxes.”

They are charities, dammit, so we shouldn’t criticize them!

Try to focus. For the 1 billion meals we buy for ‘African children’ (valued at maybe $300 million), Street King will make close to $2 billion, tax free. In net profit. That’s good business. I mean that money could feed every single African child for a week. Or immunize every child under 15 and send them to school for one term. Or substantially eliminate infant mortality on the continent. But one meal for one child is more than enough. The guys at SK are so awesome.

50 cent SK

Look at those puppy eyes, how dare you question his motives with facts? He put up $1 million of his own money (effectively buying millions of meals and getting the IRS off his back). It doesn’t matter that he’ll make more money off this than he’s made off any album or movie he’s ever made. Tax free. He’s feeding a hypothetical billion children for a few minutes.

That’s kinder than when Kim Kardashian and her friends died for AIDS. Oh, you don’t remember that?

Don’t question her motives, she died for you.

Well not really, what happened was they had a digital death. Which is to say they stopped using Twitter and Facebook until we paid them to come back. And then they gave some of that money to people with AIDS. THEY DIED FOR YOUR SINS! Celebrities love you poor people.

So hooray for 50 Cent and all these do good celebrities! Yay, they are saving….Ah fuck it, I can’t pretend any longer.

One of my favorite books of all times is ‘Emergency Sex‘. In it, they demystify humanitarian aid and donor efforts. I learned from it that $300 spent the right way could make a family of four sustainable. That’s for land, a small structure, an ox, seeds and a goat or chicken. For less than $500, you can give them a home and training on top of that. Yet almost NO initiatives like this exists. Major ones, none. People are pumping in billions upon billions for nothing. As we stride across the $500 billion dollar mark in terms of UN and such like donor funds, we are still an impoverished continent.

I imagine big wigs sitting there going: “Don’t build schools and hospitals, buy books and medicine. Don’t teach and enable, give and give. Fund a war somewhere while we’re at it. And then buy food. Not too much though, let’s buy a meal and maybe some water…ok, fine, water.”

“Let’s give them fish. Once they are full, we can teach them to fish. “

Dear celebrities, hunger will never go away. You really want to do some good: teach them to fish now. Give them healthcare so they can live. Give them a chance.

Otherwise you’re just giving yourself a warm fuzzy feeling for fueling a raging fire.

In which case, leave us the Hell alone.

17 thoughts on “Celebrity Charity: “50 Cent Wants To Feed 1 Billion African Children”

  1. I remember reading up on the Street Kings post over at Africa Is A Country. They were waxing lyrical (satirical wax) over celebrity aid and to boot, they had the video of the original Street King (50 Cent). Thanks for breaking it up in terms of the numbers and all that.

    Maybe the West/celebrities/do-gooders should just hand over the projects to those who know where everyone is coming from and what are their problems. They usually have solutions that are sustainable and not just for the short-term. I have heard from some of the best in this factor and they are delivering results albeit in a small way (huge in the long run). As for the AIDS campaign, wish they had put the Grim Reaper (digital) option then I would have activated him to digitally curve out Kim Kardashian’s digital life.

  2. Great post. I wish sustainable philanthropy/charity was on the agenda for nonprofits and foundations. One wonders what the boards of these organizations discuss during their meetings and what their objectives really are.

    • To ensure that the need for NGO continues to exist so someone can write off some tax credits by donating to charity….and many other things that are just depressing

  3. iCon you have been missed!! I didnt know KK died for AIDS word!! LOL…..so whats the solution to getting that $300 or $500 working so hard?

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