The Soapbox is finally proving educative thanks to the Uungwana Initiative Campaign. I applaud the people behind this effort. It is truly a step in the right direction and I believe if we continue producing stuff like this, we might finally get rid of the Wedding Show.
You’ve probably seen the clip with the guy drinking all his money away while throwing vibes at a female waiter, only to go home hours later to a house with no food and a hungry child and wife. Then there’s the dude that spits in public, and the one washing his face, nose and mouth into the sink of a bar. There’s the chic that doesn’t quite dispose her ice-cream cup into a CCN dustbin and doesn’t bother to pick it up either. My favorite is the cab driver who returns a handbag fully loaded with Ksh.50,000 to a customer who left it in his taxi after dropping her off the previous night.
As part of its campaigns, the Uungwana Initiative has been airing short clips on TV whose objective is to re-instill in Kenyans long lost virtues such as honesty, reliability, dependability and integrity. These virtues have little to do with the law. A married man cannot get arrested for hitting on a female bartender or for getting wasted on the money that is meant to feed his family. Though his actions do not constitute an illegality, they are wrong, hence the PSA’s.
But when you think about, this is stuff that shouldn’t be told. Why should common sense be taught? How can you not be conscious of your bad behaviour? When did it become acceptable to blow your nose into a public sink or spit in public?
But yo, at the risk of sounding like my mother, I just wish to add to that list already on TV and by jove, someone better produce clips to this effect:
Pedestrians Crossing When They Shouldn’t Be
Someday, someone is going to die, crashed to pulp by a car moving at 5km/hr. Dear Pedestrian, be warned.
It’s appalling to see pedestrians walk in slow motion when the traffic lights go green. And when a motorist attempts to proceed at the change of the lights, some stupid pedestrian gives him/her a bitch sneer and killer eyes. One gave my pal the finger, I mean seriously. Where is the City Council when you need them to arrest such small-minded, two-legged adults?
If that ever happens to me, I’d knock that pedestrian down and stop just to make sure they are dead. And if they are not, I’d reverse the car and make sure I’ve finished what I intended to do at the first attempt. That done I’d gladly drive myself to the police station and report the incident. I hear it’s easier to deal with a court case regarding a dead pedestrian than a live one that keeps demanding compensation for self-inflicted injuries. Yeah, I said it.
No, shush! Before you shout in protest, remember. There’s a good reason why the IIEC chose Green and Red as exceptionally perfect symbols to be used in the forthcoming referendum.
So listen, I’d stop for a herd of cattle, scratch that.., I’d apply emergency brakes for an ant attempting to cross the road, before I stop for a grown up, able Kenyan crossing the same street when he/she should be standing on the curb. This goes especially to those of you that make a habit of crossing Moi Avenue at the point between Galitos and Stanchart, without any regard for the motorists using the same avenue. Note, drivers have important places to go to as well. If you have to be taught how to use the road, then you shouldn’t be on it.
People That Stand Too Close To You In The Queue
What will it take for banks, supermarkets and Electricity House to erect signs saying:
“Kindly Maintain a 30cm Distance Between You and The Person Standing In front of You”
Even still, why do you need a sign telling you to keep off a stranger’s skin? C’mon, it’s annoying, it’s disgusting and it is in no way healthy. You’ll catch Tuberculosis, Swine Flu and Ebola at that distance.
I’m at the queue at Tuskys ‘Commercial’, and this guy joins the queue a skirt’s distance behind me like a second ass. I move to the side, and he shifts in the same direction. I try to move forward, but I bump into the lady ahead and I’m forced to move behind only to bump into the guy’s boner. Pissed off, I turned around and asked him to step back, seeing there was no one else behind him.
Scenario 2: My gal pal told me of an incident that happened at Nakumatt City Hall (formerly Woolmatt). Dude approaches a queue and stands a breaths distance to this young lady, achieves a boner in no time and starts wanking it off through a hole in his pockets. Guys, you ought to realize, you don’t know what women carry in their handbags. Someday, someone is going to lose their nuts at a supermarket till.
People That Stand at Doorways
Doorway (n): an entrance or exit to a building or room, especially one that has a door
That definition says nothing of podiums, cocktail tables or bus stops where people stand to talk. Doorways are meant to be clear of human traffic. You’re either going or coming, NOT standing; whether to talk, or think or tie your shoelaces. Do that elsewhere.
Kindly, for the love of progress, do not stand at
- Bank entrances
- Matatu/Bus doors
- Hospital doorways
- Toilet entrances
Someday somebody will get knocked over and fall face first on their teeth.
I like to say “excuse me”, but I’ve noticed some people, especially the ladies, take me to be rude, after which they give me the bitch stare. So I’ve taken it upon myself to tell people that stand at entrances and exits to kindly get out of the way. Hell, if you think “excuse me” is rude, then I guess “you’re standing in my way” would probably work for you.
This one also goes out to those people that walk in an execution line on pavements. College girls, walking slowly in groups of 4million, you stand accused. So are female colleagues going back to the office after your lunch break, talking about Nancy’s weave, and Paloma’s wicked aunt from one of those useless Soaps. If you have to walk in packs, walk in single file. You know, the way wildebeest migrate? Download a photo and practice. And remember, there are lone rangers like us with places to go.
Men That Eagle Spread Their Legs In a Mat
No matter how many calls Maina Kageni receives every morning to update him on this disgusting traffic situation, nothing seems to change. Guys, let me tell you the assumptions women make when you have your legs spread so wide, it’s like Moses just parted the Red Sea.
- You have a venereal disease
- You have a boil in your nuts
- You are very unintelligent
- I wouldn’t do that even if I was dead
Someday, I’m going to shove my elbow between someone’s legs, and then watch as those legs slowly come together.